Ili Pika

Arigatô -- It's beautiful here, isn't it? The atmosphere is amazing - completely unlike what I expected.
Kusozu -- Arigatô!
Arigatô -- Yes Kusozu?
Kusozu -- Something is wrong! I am almost out of air!
Arigatô -- What do you mean, Kusozu?! Your monitor must be malfunctioning, like everything else when we landed.
Kusozu -- No, Arigatô. I can barely breath. I am running out of air.
Arigatô -- I checked just your pack. It was at 90 percent when I checked it 10 minutes ago. Let me look at it again! Crap.
Kusozu -- What is it?!
Arigatô -- There's a hole in one of your air hoses, Kusozu. It wasn't there a few minutes ago, I swear! You've leaked out almost all of your air.
Kusozu -- Arigatô, look!
Arigatô -- Don't worry, I think I can patch this and daisy-chain our tanks until they balance.
Kusozu -- No, Arigatô. Look over there!
Arigatô -- I don't see anything, Kusozu.  Are you feeling okay? How long have you been low on air?
Kusozu -- Look - over there! Just on the ridge. I saw something move!
Arigatô -- Oh, I see it!



Kusozu -- It looks like an ili pika.
Arigatô -- I don't know what an ili pika is, Kusozu, but there's life here!
Kusozu -- I don't believe it, Arigatô. How can that be?
Arigatô -- You're right, Kusozu. That can't be. A lot of things aren't adding up. Nothing is making much sense at this point. Let's go around the ridge and have a closer look!
Kusozu -- Arigatô! There are buildings here!
Arigatô -- What?! Unbelievable! This isn't possible.
Kusozu -- They look human, Arigatô. They look like old military warehouses. Is this a joke?
Arigatô -- This is bizarre. Let's go in here and have a look around. I need to transfer air to your pack, too.
Kusozu -- No, Arigatô, it's okay! I'm okay now. I can breath!
Arigatô -- What do you mean? That's not possible. Oh! The hole has torn wide open. You're breathing outside air.
Kusozu -- I don't know what's happening... This is strange, but I can breath fine. We can't be on Mars. We must be back on Earth.
Arigatô -- Kusozu.
Kusozu -- Yes Arigatô? That would explain why I feel so heavy. I thought it was from loss of muscle mass --
Arigatô -- Kusozu, are those gas masks on the ground?
Kusozu -- What?! Yes, they are.

Arigatô -- Do you really think we're we back on Earth, Kusozu?
Kusozu -- That would explain a lot of things...
Arigatô -- I don't understand... How could that be?
Kusozu -- We went into hibernation and did not awake until after the landing. We could have landed right back on Earth.
Arigatô -- Did mission control return us back to Earth? Or did something go wrong?
Kusozu -- I'm thinking something must have gone wrong, Arigatô. We should be on our way to Mars, but we're here. Where ever here is. I have no idea where we are. We could be anywhere...
Arigatô -- The writing on this canister looks Russian.
Kusozu --  Yes it does - Arigatô, your radiation tag is at max! We are in a radioactive area! If this is Earth, then...
Arigatô -- What are the odds? Did we manage to land in the middle of Chernobyl?
Kusozu -- Possibly. Or there could have been a nuclear war.
Arigatô -- A war? That quickly? But then again, how would we know? How long have we been gone?
Kusozu -- It would explain why none of our communications have been returned yet.
Arigatô -- Do you really think...?
Kusozu -- I think we're complete fools, Arigatô! We crash landed back on Earth and just now realized it! After how many hours? And we just now realized that this insane atmosphere is not Mars, but a post nuclear holocaust Earth!
Arigatô -- But how did the ili pika survive?
Kusozu -- I don't know. Maybe it's like the small mammals surviving after the meteor wiped out the dinosaurs.
Arigatô -- But we couldn't have been gone that long, could we have?
Kusozu -- Three years, maybe. Possible longer if we stayed in orbit around Mars, waiting for commands to descend.
Arigatô -- Three years?
Kusozu -- Maybe more, Arigatô. But three years at least...