Friday, December 15, 2017

Faux Flu Science News

"The common explanation for why we cough and sneeze is that viruses evolved the ability to inflame the mucus membranes and induce coughing and sneezing as their transmission vectors," explains Holt Crescent University professor Wyatt Earp. 

"However, our study reveals the situation to be a bit more complicated and much darker. We show that the blame for this method of transmission does not fall entirely with the viruses."

Virus DNA is typically extremely simple - too simple to induce coughing and sneezing in an organism as complex as human beings, the researchers claim. 

"Viruses have the capacity to target specific cell types, but not to induce the behavioral response of coughing and sneezing," Professor Earp explains.

The explanation, the researchers speculated, is that humans have evolved to use the infections as a biological weapon to exclude foreigners.  Humans have evolved to cough and sneeze, not to expel the infection, but to deliberately transmit it to people with low resistance. 

"People within the same group are often closely related and have very similar arrangements of their major histamine complexes. Because of this, humans within a group are immune to their own personal cadre of infectious agents.  When they come into contact with other groups, however, these viruses act as shock troops. Rather than always resorting to physical violence, we have evolved to let the viruses do the killing for us." 

"This is especially true for children," Professor Earp says. "Because women and children are physically weaker than most adult males, they must rely on other means of self defense. A question we asked ourselves is, who protects the women and children when the men are out hunting or fighting? Our answer: viruses."  

"It is interesting to note that xenophobia is closely linked to disgust - a fear of contamination, so there is some psychological basis to our hypothesis," Professor Earp says. "Also, from a historical perspective, one of the most notable examples of this effect is the almost complete genocide of the indigenous population of the Americas." 

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