Mad Max

Scene:	Two friends meet for breakfast in the lobby of a restaurant. They haven't seen each other in a while, so they go through a ritual of shaking hands, laughing, and slapping each other on the back. One of the men has a small beard while the other is clean-shaven.
Clean-shaven man:	You've got a little something on your chin.
Bearded man:	Yeah, I'm growing it out. It goes with my new grand unified theory of testosterone, globalization, cultural identity, mental health, loyalty, hierarchy, Trump, climate change, and the meaning of life!
Clean-shaven man:	Is that a grand unified theory? It sounds more like a dogs breakfast!
Bearded man:	Ah, you laugh, but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.
Clean-shaven man:	You're calling me a dog and yourself my master. This fits with my theory for why we haven't hung out in a while.
Bearded man:	Yeah, to be honest, it is more like a dog's breakfast of ideas which interrelate in various ways. It'll probably require more than my crappy chef skills to lay them out in a palatable way. Hopefully the food here will compensate.
Clean-shaven man:	So what's your excuse for not shaving?
Bearded man:	Mental health, my friend! I read somewhere that the clarity of your cultural identity plays a huge role in your mental health.
Clean-shaven man:	The only people who don't shave are hipsters and schizos, and I question the mental health of both. In this culture, you identify as being a healthy member of the group by shaving and grooming!
Bearded man:	Yeah, well, I am becoming a barbarian in defiance of the empire of nothing!
Clean-shaven man:	Sounds like you've been reading some wacky books. How do you feel about fluoride, Mr. Tinhat?
Bearded man:	Do you know your neighbors? Of course not. For any social group, the larger it becomes, the less personal it becomes. All across the world, millions and millions of traditional communities are joining the global 'village'. All of their unique cultures, languages, and identities are disappearing over a single generation. In a few years, there won't be anyone except billions upon billions of consumer-bots with multiple mental disorders.
Clean-shaven man:	So: save the world - grow your beard? It sounds like you think having a beard is part of a traditional culture - that shaving is new, modern, and fake. But guess what - people have been shaving and plucking their hairs since way before the Egyptians.  Neanderthals did it. Hair-care is part of all cultures; lack of hair-care is a lack of culture. Hence: barbarian. Your theory contradicts itself, my friend.
Bearded man:	Hair care and shaving aren't the same thing: you can groom a beard.
Clean-shaven man:	Yes, it's all very metro: skinny jeans and a well-groomed beard. Maybe even a little paraben wax on your mustache?
Bearded man:	No wax - that stuff kills your testosterone. Testosterone is another key part of mental health - for men, anyways.
Clean-shaven man:	So it's skip the psychologist, watch the Patriots?
Bearded man:	Yeah, watching sports is good, when your team wins. If your team wins, it elevates your testosterone. When they lose, however, your testosterone drops. How much you identify with your teams matters, however - and that ties in with cultural identity and loyalty. You see: we have a powerful need to identity with a group!
Clean-shaven man:	Yes, my group, right or wrong… Except when they keep losing. And that is what it is: a bunch of crappy, inferior cultures losing out to the material success of everyone else working together. It is ethical and wise: work together for mutual gain rather than fight it out over family feuds and narcissistic delusions.
Bearded man:	I am not arguing with that, but you can't deny the fact that all this cooperation is washing out any sense of identity.
Clean-shaven man:	So you'd like to go back to warring tribal groups like Afghanistan and the Middle East?
Bearded man:	We can't go back, but it's like the old growth forests - why continue chopping them down if you know they're going to be depleted in a few years? Why not forgo the small amount of additional profit for the sake of an irreplaceable resource?
Clean-shaven man:	You sound like another bearded extremist I've heard recently: this guy named Alexander Dugin. You heard of him?
Bearded man:	Yeah, I know Dugin.
Clean-shaven man:	Are you part of his 4th Political Theory crusade?
Bearded man:	I'm not quite sure what is so "fourth" about it. It sounds like totalitarianism. He wants a totalitarian enforced dark age: to create the New Middle Ages.
Clean-shaven man:	Well, it sounds like your thing: he's all for the Return of the Barbarians and a complete rejection of modernity - science, values, philosophy, art - everything.
Bearded man:	Yeah, well, dark age tribal ethics with nuclear weapons doesn't sound like much fun.
Clean-shaven man:	Are you sure? Think about it. How much fun would it be to live the Mad Max lifestyle? I think you secretly want the nukes to fall just to change it all. Like the people who voted for Trump: f_ck 'em if they can't take a joke: it's time for something to change!
Bearded man:	Well, one thing I want to change is how long we've been waiting to be seated. I'm hungry for some bacon!
Clean-shaven man:	Beards, bacon, barbells, and barbarians!
Bearded man:	Hey - you'll tell me if I get something stuck in my beard, won't you? I didn't bring my comb.