Half-Baked

OTTAWA, ON –  Rural men  offer interesting insights into effective methods for elevating testosterone , a new study finds.   Testosterone levels in American men have been declining steadily over the past two decades, according to a new study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism.    The reasons for this decline are unclear; the study suggests that neither aging nor changes in certain health factors, such as obesity or smoking, can completely explain the phenomenon.   Testosterone is the primary male sex hormone. It is important for maintaining bone and muscle mass throughout life. Insufficient levels of testosterone have been linked to diabetes, low libido, and other medical conditions. Typically, testosterone levels in men peak around their late 20s, and then begin a gradual decline from age 30 onward.   However, the surprising results of a separate study reveal the t estosterone levels of rural residence of Kentucky and

Dude: Today we are speaking with Al Crowley, an expert in List Magick, which is defined as "the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will." Al has written literally thousands of lists and is a tireless evangelizer of the efficacious powers of List Magick.  Al, can you please introduce the concept of List Magick to us? Al: Yes, Dude. List Magick is essentially a method for a person to reach true understanding of the self and to act according to one's true will, which he or she sees as the reconciliation "between freewill and destiny." In our everyday battles with pressures and expectations, it is easy to lose oneself. Dude: A reconciliation between freewill and destiny? That sounds pretty esoteric, Al. Isn't List Magick really just the process of making lists to organize one's efforts? Al: Dude, it is much more than that. Anyone can make a list, but invoking the power of List Magick requires a deeper level of concentration and com

"The common explanation for why we cough and sneeze is that viruses evolved the ability to inflame the mucus membranes and induce coughing and sneezing as their transmission vectors," explains Holt Crescent University professor Wyatt Earp.  "However, our study reveals the situation to be a bit more complicated and much darker. We show that the blame for this method of transmission does not fall entirely with the viruses." Virus DNA is typically extremely simple - too simple to induce coughing and sneezing in an organism as complex as human beings, the researchers claim.  "Viruses have the capacity to target specific cell types, but not to induce the behavioral response of coughing and sneezing," Professor Earp explains. The explanation, the researchers speculated, is that humans have evolved to use the infections as a biological weapon to exclude foreigners.  Humans have evolved to cough and sneeze, not to expel the infection, but to deli

"Rather than fearing Death™, we should embrace it," says Jo h n Anon from the Ottawa Misanthropic Society.   "People suffering from a variety of ailments, ranging from financial debt and career indecision to athletes foot and halitosis, should  try  Death™", says Jo h n. "It is a cheap, simple, and proven solution."   Jo h n told reporters that while Death™ is highly effective, it is an often overlooked solution for many common problems people face today. "If you are suffering from the common cold or cancer, have trouble scheduling a dental appointment or are late on your car payments, then a quick and simple solution is Death™," Jo h n said. "There is really no need to be stressed about these issues."   There are incredible environmental benefits too, Jo h n says. "Many people are concerned about their environmental impact and choose to become vegan or ride their bicycles rather than drive, but here at the Ottawa Misanthropic Soci

As the bonobo mounted his mate, he whispered into her ear, "Only theologians can be true atheists." "Indeed," she replied. "Those who are least aware of a theory are most enslaved by it." Breathing heavily, he stepped back and blasphemed on the soil. "We are too old for children," he stated. Sitting next together, they groomed each other for a few moments. Only the sound of lice popping between their teeth could be heard. "You are too beautiful," he declared. "I have nothing to give you that is worthy of your beauty." "Do not bother," she replied. "I once had a friend who was truly beautiful. You would have fallen for her. All the male apes did. They were constantly giving her objects as testaments to their love.  Whenever I saw her, she would show me her latest treasures. She was very proud of her possessions. Over time, I began to resent these meetings. She seemed to value me only as a witness to her glor

The portly professor Hocus climbs a pocus tree and begins to read a prepared statement... "A Theology of Chance, or How to Hedge Your Bets When You Just Don't Know. Theology, at its core, is a systematic study of the condition of, and the feelings involved with, being completely dependent on something over which you have no control. Fortuna was the Roman goddess of luck, or the personification of life's capriciousness.  They knew then what we know now: that luck can be good or bad, but it is out of our hands. Opaque is a word to describe what is unknown or unseen. The world is highly opaque. In the past, we had fewer illusions about its opacity. Today, we suffer from delusions of understanding. We have faith in empirical data, statistical analysis and positive materialism. Not all of this faith is  unwarranted, but complex systems are still beyond our capacity to predict or control. The economy, for instance, is a classic case. The rise and fall of stock prices is st